Many people come to therapy with difficulty trusting and feeling secure in their relationships. Often this is linked to having been hurt in relationships before, sometimes in traumatic ways. You may have experienced painful rejection, betrayal, mistreatment, neglect, emotional abuse, or violence from someone you thought you could trust. Sometimes this occurs over a long period of time, with an important person (like a parent), and/or at an early age, such that it is formative in the way you see yourself and others.
In healthy parent-child attachments, children develop a sense of safety and security that shapes their worldview in positive ways. They experience themselves as essentially good and others as essentially safe and well-meaning. But people who have experienced trauma in the context of early relationships often feel deep shame, unworthiness, and mistrust. If this sounds like you, developing trust later in life may feel daunting.
And that makes complete sense. We are wired to protect ourselves from pain, and in the face of trauma we naturally develop strategies to survive and seek safety. For instance, you might notice that you tend to depend on others or always put others first in an effort to secure closeness. Perhaps you keep people at a distance or reject others before they can reject or harm you. You might feel uncomfortable talking about yourself or pretend to be someone you’re not when you do.
It is understandable if relational trauma has left you guarded. This actually means you are a resilient person. You’ve survived something painful by learning to defend vulnerable parts of yourself. It is when this becomes thick, heavy armor you are dragging around, even when the dangers are much less or long gone, that your efforts are no longer serving you. Sometimes strategies that were once adaptive gradually become barriers to moving forward with healthier, more authentic relationships.
You might ask “How can I (or why should I) trust after my trust has been broken?” Let’s be honest. Trusting is always a risk. Trust inherently implies that someone has taken a chance, become vulnerable without a guarantee of safety or reciprocity. The hope is that this is not done indiscriminately, but in a measured, thoughtful way, and with reasonable expectations of safety. It will only hurt more to trust someone who would seek to scam or harm you. And I understand that, especially for people with trauma histories, these judgments can be fraught with doubt.
When it feels frightening or impossible to trust anyone, you might consider starting with a therapist. We can reasonably expect that a therapy setting will generally be safe for most people (although it may not feel that way at first, and of course there are exceptions). Ideally, you will be working with a professional who offers ethical, confidential, reliable, and respectful services. Even then, you probably won’t learn whether you feel safe, heard, valued, and accepted without sharing some wounded parts of yourself.
And you might need some time to begin opening up. Here’s how it looks sometimes: You risk vulnerability. I (do my best to) show you that I can be counted on and confided in; that I will respect your boundaries and mine; that I will not judge or retaliate against you for expressing anger or disappointment; that you are a human being who can make an impact on me, another human being. You shed some armor and I do not hurt you. (Of course this is non-linear. You might decide to risk vulnerability after you experience some sense that it will be safe enough to do so.)
Sometimes this can be transformative. Imagine if you were able to take a risk being vulnerable with a partner or family member or friend, something that may have previously terrified you, and it actually went well. How might you feel? When you reveal a true part of yourself to another person and instead of creating distance, it deepens your connection, you have risked and been rewarded. You’ve received evidence that security can be found in relationships, even when you expected something else.
Of course, what if it doesn’t go this way? It won’t always, and it is not always safe or appropriate to make yourself vulnerable. And when you do trust, even people with the best intentions can make mistakes. You can get hurt again. In therapy, we can work on honing your ability to more accurately assess people and situations, so you can get better at knowing who, when, and how much to trust. And we can work on developing your ability to weather relational ups and downs while relying less on old, unhelpful patterns. This takes courage and hard work, and I am honored to support and help empower people who are bravely trying a brand new way of being in the world.
The experiences described above may or may not apply to you. Every person and situation is unique. If you have questions about this post or about getting started in therapy, please feel free to contact me. Please also note that this is not psychological treatment or advice. If you are experiencing a crisis or are in danger, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.