Do I Need to Feel Comfortable with my Therapist? Comfort versus Safety

Brooklyn Therapy Vulnerability and Safety

My short answer is: of course. Well, sort of. In my opinion, it comes down to how we define comfort. I believe there is an important distinction between feeling comfortable and feeling safe with another person. Especially at the beginning of a new therapeutic relationship, many clients need to feel comfortable in order to share their stories and concerns. But as the relationship deepens, too much comfort can lead to stagnancy and actually interfere with movement and progress. The nature of therapy is that it can at times feel uncomfortable, especially as you are challenging yourself to learn, change, and grow. Safety, on the other hand, is a necessary condition for people to be their full selves in therapy, and to take the emotional risk of working through long-standing concerns and patterns. The experience of safety with your therapist can offer the foundation for doing some of this uncomfortable work.

People come to therapy with diverse histories and a wide range of ability and willingness to trust and open up, especially with a stranger. This can vary by culture and identity, past experiences including trauma, the fit between client and therapist, and other factors. While there is no single recipe that will help all people feel safe in the therapy room, a few key ingredients the therapist can provide include consistency and reliability, authenticity, genuine care and empathy, acceptance, and respect.

If you are someone who struggles to be vulnerable (in therapy or relationships in general), it’s often beneficial to explore what holds you back. Sometimes the process of discovering what is preventing safety (or comfort) in the therapeutic relationship can lead to fruitful insights about intimacy and attachment with others. It can feel quite meaningful to get to this place in the work.